


A Woman and Her Wagon: A Love Story

by kelsoarr, princetteofcats



Category: Original Work
Genre: Baby hates wagons... or does she, Coffee, Other, Wagons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:06:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5992630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelsoarr/pseuds/kelsoarr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/princetteofcats/pseuds/princetteofcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baby insists wagons are not her aesthetic, but can her mind be changed before it's too late? Coffee sure hopes not</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Woman and Her Wagon: A Love Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spooky_bee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spooky_bee/gifts).



> I'm sorry about everything I've ever done that lead me to this point in my life. Peace.

"Wagons are not my aesthetic, Basil. I'm not putting them in my fic." Baby scoffed and stuck her legy out real far for emphasis, all while skillfully taking a sip of coffee from her vaporwave af mug that had "BABY" emblazoned across it in cutesy, floral letters.

"But what if..." Basil paused, the air was fraught with dramatic tension, "Wagons  _were_ your aesthetic?" 

"Oh my  _god,_ let me live!" Baby exclaimed, as her two spice Basil and Kelsey begin giggling at her expense. 

"I, personally, love wagons." Kelsey added from across the room, where she sat on her laptop wasting her short and valuable time on this earth writing a horrible hatoful boyfriend/FMA crossover AU fic that no one else would ever read aside from her.

"Then include wagons in your fic!" Baby stood up and went to pour more coffee and 10 whole splenda packets into her mug. The coffee was very ecstatic someone was drinking it instead of letting it sit idly in the pot or worse- microwave it.

"No. Pigeons don't need wagons, they have wings." Kelsey snorted, "Jeez babe, do you know anything about birds?"

"Not all of us want to smooch a pigeon, Kels." Basil added as they drew a picture of Finn with a flower crown on their tablet. It was cute. Basil is so gosh darn adorable and perfect. Handsome, too. Wait- this fic is supposed to be about wagons.

Suddenly a wagon burst through their house door, which was pretty fucking wild considering it would have had to achieve sentience, navigate their stairwell, and then have the strength necessary to push past their deadbolt. What a strong- yet inconsiderate- mode of transportation.

"Baby, it is I- a wagon." The wagon said gallantly, it's wheels turning majestically in the slight breeze created in their now utterly destroyed doorway.

"What." Baby said.

"I hope you plan on paying for our new door." Kelsey yelled at the wagon.

"Now our heating bill is going to get... wheel-y high!" Basil giggled.

"Was that a fucking pun-" Baby turned to Basil but was quickly interrupted by the talking wagon.

"Enough! I feel like none of you are paying enough attention to the fact I am a talking wagon." The wagon whined, it's wheels drooping sadly.

"First of all, don't interrupt me. Second, why are you in my house?" Baby asked.

"Because, Baby-san-sama-chan.... I LOVE you." The wagon said.

"Gasp"

"Gasp"

"What." Baby said, mostly unfazed. She took another sip from her coffee, which honestly needed more splenda.

"Yes, I, a wagon, love you."

"You busted down my door just to tell me something that unimportant?" Baby said.

"You just got fucking wrekt you piece of shit!" Kelsey shouted, accompanied by hip hop airhorns Basil promptly started to play on their phone.

The wagon looked very distraught, and started to plead its case when suddenly the coffee pot interrupted them all with a loud gurgle.

"What the heck?" Basil said in surprise, voicing what they were all thinking. The pot began to gurgle more intensely, it looked like it was boiling over.

"Did... did we turn it back on?" Kelsey said, looking around wildly as if she would find some manual near by telling her how to stop an angry coffee pot. They all backed away slowly as the coffee began to slosh around angrily, finally spilling over the side and onto the linoleum.

"Hey! I just cleaned that!" Baby said angrily, and as if by magic the pot immediately ceased it's hellish gurgling.

"Are we... are we safe?" The wagon muttered from where it had hidden behind the counter.

"Get the fuck out of my house." Baby said to the wagon, and then the coffee pot immediately flew across the kitchen counter and sloshed lukewarm coffee all over the wagon's wooden interior.

"Hey! That's new wood, it's not water treated yet!" The wagon yelped, as it rolled all around the living room trying to escape the insistent floating coffee pot.

"What is going on anymore?" Kelsey asked in astonishment, as the three of them moved to the farthest corner of the room and stared at the strange display of masculine bravado that was unfolding in the middle of their house.

"I think..." Basil said, "That the wagon loves Baby, and the coffee loves Baby, so it's jealous of the wagon?" Basil and Kelsey both turned expectantly to Baby, as if looking for confirmation that this absurd thing was actually happening in this, the year of our lord 2016.

Baby blinked rapidly, and looked at her two friends in indignation, "How the hell would I know?" She said, throwing her arms up in the air, "I give up, let's go out for lunch."

"Yeah that sounds good." Kelsey said.

"Let's go to panera, I want a grilled cheese." Basil added as the three of them pulled on their coats and shoes.

"Ah hell yeah, I'm gonna get that dank greek salad." Said Baby.

"Fuck yeah. Bye wagon!" Kelsey waved amicably as she ushered the other two out the door, roughly placing the busted up door in the broken hinges of the smashed frame.

"Kels, that's not gonna work just leave it." Basil said with a sigh.

"Yeah but... Moe is gonna get out." Kelsey said sadly, about their cat who had an awful propensity for escaping from the house and then getting lost in bushes.

"Ah damn, you right." Baby said, "Let's just bring him."

"Yeah! Panera party with Moe!" Basil said.

Kelsey shrugged after a few moment of consideration, "Why not, let's get in my car."

And with that, our three heroes and their giant cat huddled together in Kelsey's old buick, driving off in search of 99 cent baked goods and over-priced salads, as the fight between Baby's two ill-fated lovers spilled out into the street and generally wreaked havoc across town.

 

THE END


End file.
